


Twenty-Six Ways to Love You

by ladyoakenshields



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, M/M, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-04-24 06:23:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4908727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyoakenshields/pseuds/ladyoakenshields
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty-six different ficlets concerning the lives of Thorin Oakenshield and Bilbo Baggins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Anniversary

Thorin slowly woke to the smell of breakfast being cooked. It wasn’t an odd occurrence, Bilbo was usually the one to wake up early and start breakfast. He knew Bilbo would be in at any moment to wake him in order to come to breakfast. On schedule as always, he could hear Bilbo pad quietly into the room and Thorin wondered if he could feign sleep so Bilbo would leave him alone for a little longer.

“Thorin,” Bilbo called softly. “Thorin, breakfast.”

Thorin groaned quietly.

“Come on, dear.” Bilbo tried once more.

“I’ll be out in a little bit,” Thorin muttered into the pillow.

“Thorin, now,” Bilbo sighed a little impatiently.

“Why?” Thorin squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m retired, let me sleep.”

“Open your eyes, your Royal Retiredness.” Bilbo chuckled. Thorin reluctantly opened his eyes to see Bilbo standing at his bedside with a tray.

“What?” Thorin blinked repeatedly, his eyes trying to adjust to the sunlight.

“Come on,” Bilbo smiled. “Sit up.” Thorin slowly pulled himself up into a sitting position, looking confused as he accepted the tray.

“What is this for? Mahal, have I forgotten my birthday?” Thorin asked.

“No,” Bilbo shook his head. “Anniversary.”

“Anniversary? Bilbo, we got married mid-summer. We’re hardly out of spring,” Thorin frowned.

“Not our marriage aniversary, no.” Bilbo sat next to him on the bed.

“Well, I know it’s not the anniversary of our courtship, we began courting in winter. I know because my wounds from battle were still healing,” Thorin continued as he picked up his fork and began in on his fried eggs. “Bilbo, you’re making me nervous, what have I forgotten?”

“The anniversary of our first meeting,” Bilbo finally explained.

“Oh. The beginning of our quest,” Thorin nodded. “Why breakfast in bed?” Thorin questioned.

“Do you remember our conversation before bed, that night before the quest?” Bilbo asked.

“Bilbo, that was nearly thirty years ago. Of course I don’t,” Thorin sighed.

“You listed off your breakfast order for the next morning. If I recall correctly, you like eggs with your ham, when you’re starting on a journey: fried not poached,” Bilbo recited. Thorin glanced down at his plate which still held another fried egg and a few slices of ham.

“You must be joking. How did you remember that?” Thorin shook his head with a small smile.

“Sharp memory. I remember things about our quest very vividly,” Bilbo explained as he grabbed the second fork on the tray to start in on Thorin’s plate of breakfast.

“I keep telling you, you need to write it all down,” Thorin frowned as Bilbo reached for food off of his plate.

“I’ve written down bits and pieces,” Bilbo shrugged.

“Write it all,” Thorin insisted. “I’d love to read it.”

“Read it? You lived it,” Bilbo chuckled. “Why on earth would you want to read it?”

“Well, apparently I can’t remember anything.” Thorin told him. “I’d like a reminder of how our story started.”

“All right, you old sap.” Bilbo leaned in and pecked Thorin’s cheek. “I’ll start organizing my notes.”

“I’m glad, thank you.” Thorin blushed. “And thank you for the breakfast. Perfect for starting any journey, was it?”

Bilbo nodded with a grin.

“Though, we’re not quite the adventurous type anymore, are we?” Thorin chuckled.

“Nonsense,” Bilbo shook his head. “I’m still living my greatest adventure yet.”

“And what is that?” Thorin questioned, smugly.

“Being married to you, of course.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Created for the [Bagginshield Alphabet challenge](http://bagginshieldalphabet.tumblr.com/) and a personal trainer to get into shape for NaNoWriMo. Each ficlet will be completely separate entities unless otherwise stated. These will all mostly be short and sweet as I'm currently wrapped up in school, work and trying to finish writing a chapter for my other fic before NaNo rolls around, but I'm always happy to contribute anything Bagginshield :DDD


	2. Bandages

“Oh, I do believe we’ve visited longer than I imagined,” Bilbo sighed, looking around Thorin's lavish chambers in the newly cleaned Royal Wing of Erebor. “It’s much later than I thought.”

Thorin smiled sleepily at the hobbit who had been keeping him company while his injuries continued to healed after battle. Bilbo had become an excellent companion during his healing process and was secretly very glad Bilbo had postponed his trip home.

“I was supposed to fetch Oin earlier to change your bandages for the day, I’ve completely forgotten.”

“Don’t go fetch him now, he’ll probably be asleep at this time of night,” Thorin countered.

“You need your bandages changed frequently to keep your wound clean,” Bilbo scolded the dwarf.

“I know, which is why I need you to do it for me,” Thorin requested, softly.

“M-Me?” Bilbo stammered. “You do realize I have no experience with this sort of thing. I’ve patched up small cuts before but nothing like…”

“You aren’t performing surgery on me,” Thorin tried to calm Bilbo.

“I know that, I just...I don’t want to mess anything up,” Bilbo admitted. “If you contract an infection and fever because of me, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Relax, I’ll walk you through it. I’ve watched Oin do it hundreds of times,” Thorin assured Bilbo. The hobbit anxiously clenched and unclenched his hands.

“Oh, very well,” Bilbo sighed. “I suppose it’ll be good for me to know anyway.”

“Thank you. The bandages are over there.” Thorin pointed to the dresser in his new room in the Royal Chambers of Erebor that had become home to all the medical supplies Thorin needed while on the mend. “Wash your hands and bring a clean damp cloth to clean my wound.”

Bilbo diligently did as Thorin told, his hands trembling as he brought the supplies back to Thorin’s bed.

“Bilbo,” Thorin softly called. “Breathe, it’s all right. You’re only changing bandages.”

Bilbo nodded solemnly, his hands hovering over the old bandages that covered Thorin’s abdomen. Thorin's hand slowly went to reach for Bilbo’s, his thumb gently rubbed the hobbit’s hand soothingly.

“I’m sorry to make you do this,” Thorin apologized quietly.

“Don’t apologize, this isn’t your fault. I just don’t know…” Bilbo stared down at the used bandage, held in place by gauze wrapped around Thorin’s middle. They were quiet for a little while as Thorin held on to Bilbo’s hand. “I’ll do it, just tell me what I need to do. First things first, how do I get this gauze off?” Bilbo finally asked.

“There’s a pair of scissors that was with the gauze…” Thorin explained. Bilbo turned back and fetched the scissors he had seen Oin use before. Soon he was carefully cutting the gauze wrapped around Thorin’s abdomen. As soon as the gauze had been pulled away the large bandage covering the wound was left. Bilbo gently went and pulled it away.

The wound was gruesome, but not quite as gruesome as it was originally. Bilbo carefully brought the wash basin with fresh water, some of the herbs Oin had used to disinfect the wound. Thorin began to tell Bilbo how to use the herb and the best way to clean the wound.

“Are you ready?” Bilbo’s hand continued to hover over the wound.

“Are you?” Thorin teased quietly.

“Hush. Now, are you ready?” Bilbo repeated nervously. Thorin nodded and Bilbo began to clean the wounds. Bilbo could tell that Thorin was trying to refrain from seeming like he was in pain for his own sake. Bilbo soothingly hushed Thorin and he began to quietly hum in order to get Thorin’s mind off the cleaning process. Once Bilbo felt like the wound had been cleaned enough he put the cloth to the side.

“We’re finished,” Bilbo commented quietly. “All that’s left is to replace the bandage.”

Once the fresh bandage was in place, Bilbo picked up the roll of gauze, trying to figure out the most painless way to wrap Thorin back up. Before he could decide, Thorin gingerly brought his hand up to hold the bandage in place as he slowly propped himself up.

“Are you all right to do that?” Bilbo asked, looking panicked.

“It’s fine,” Thorin assured him as he winced. Without thinking Bilbo brought out a hand to help steady Thorin. His hand rested on Thorin’s broad uncovered shoulder. His skin was warm and sticky with sweat, yet instead of disgusting Bilbo, it was a comfort to him. Comfort that Thorin was still alive and healing.

Thorin helped Bilbo wrap the gauze around his middle and once it had been wrapped enough, Bilbo helped tie it off to keep it in place until the next time the bandage would need changed.

“Better?” Bilbo asked once he finished.

“Thank you, yes.” Thorin confirmed as his hand found Bilbo’s again and gently squeezed it.

“It’s late,” Bilbo murmured. “I should probably return to my chambers.”

“I would prefer it if you didn’t,” Thorin hesitantly told him. At first Bilbo wasn’t sure what to say in response to Thorin’s request.

“I _do_ have to get some rest,” Bilbo finally told the dwarf.

“Stay,” Thorin pleaded. “Stay. I’ve got more than enough room in this bed. I’d like you here beside me,” Thorin explained. “In case I need my bandages changed.” Bilbo couldn’t help but roll his eyes but nodded in compliance. He got up blew out the candle on Thorin’s side of the bed and made his way to the opposite side.

It was then he realized how absolutely absurd it was that a king had just invited him into his bed. Hesitantly, he lifted the luxurious quilts and furs and slid into the plush bed. Bilbo leaned over and blew out the candles on that side of the bed, dousing the room in darkness.

“Get some good rest,” Thorin murmured.

“I should be the one telling you that. Sleep well, Thorin,” Bilbo replied softly as he buried his face into soft furs. He felt Thorin’s foot gently brush up against his leg and Bilbo smiled before drifting off into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this whole collection is all over the place I may start including the chapter summary trying to fit it into a timeline/AU, but for now I'm hoping y'all can figure it out. 
> 
> I am still planning on finishing this, it's just much more slow going than I imagined, whoops.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr [here.](http://hobbitunderthemountain.tumblr.com)


	3. Competition

“Is that a challenge, Bilbo?” Thorin questioned with a smile.

“Why, yes. I believe it is,” Bilbo replied, smugly.

The festival held two years after the reclaiming of Erebor was well underway. It had been Bilbo’s first project as consort to King Under the Mountain, Thorin son of Thrain. Erebor had paid handsomely for the merchants of Dale to come and set up a special market for this celebration. There were several stalls set up with simple games for the dwarves to win prizes from vendors in Dale.

Now the king and consort stood before one of these vendors strategizing the best way to win the game. This game in particular had three glass bottles stacked and the goal was to knock all of them down with three stones.

“You first,” Thorin offered.

“Ah, no,” Bilbo refused. “No, please, your Royal Highness. You first.”

“Very well then,” Thorin nodded and reached for the stones. Taking careful aim at the bottles Thorin tossed the stones. Each one missed except the last one which grazed one of the bottles. The top bottle wobbled and feebly fell off the top of the two bottles. “Hah!” Thorin exclaimed.

“All right,” Bilbo nodded. “Not bad.”

The vendor reset the bottles and handed the stones to Bilbo. The hobbit turned the stones over in his hand for a moment before winding up and throwing the first stone. It connected with the top glass, knocking it neatly off the top of the top two glass bottles and falling to the ground and breaking. Before the vendor could even congratulate Bilbo on his obvious victory, the hobbit threw the other stones. Each hit their target, shattering on the ground.

“You’ve had it rigged,” Thorin frowned after a moment of silent shock from everyone observing.

“I have not! Do you really think me so dishonorable?” Bilbo scoffed. Before Thorin could reply, Dwalin interrupted from his spot, standing beside Thorin.

“That wasn’t rigged. Bilbo has real skill with throwing stones. Did you not witness his talent during battle?” Dwalin thumped his friend on the back.

“No, I did not,” Thorin looked bewildered. “If nothing else, I believe you’ve cheated me at this game.”

“The only way I could have cheated you was if you underestimated me in the first place,” Bilbo replied quickly. “I’ll take my prize, thank you.” Bilbo had now turned to the vendor who was watching the amusing scene unfold. This vendor was a toymaker in Dale and their prize was a small stuffed dragon in the likeness of Smaug.

“A little tasteless, don’t you think?” Thorin followed Bilbo away from the stall, looking back at the merchant who was setting up new bottles for the next participant.

“You’re only jealous,” Bilbo boasted as he admired his prize. Thorin slipped an arm around Bilbo’s waist and hummed in acknowledgment. They continued through the busy festival, taking in the different stalls that had been set up. As they moved through the crowd, heads turned to catch a glimpse of their king and consort. Dwalin tailed closely behind watching the crowd to make sure they were safe. As they reached a quieter part of the festival, Thorin spoke up.

“So, it’s true you used stones as a weapon during battle?” Thorin questioned, turning the stuffed toy over in his hands while Bilbo ate some of the freshly made food for the festival.

“Why, yes. When I was younger I got pretty good at aiming at squirrels and birds.” Bilbo informed his husband between bites.

“You must have been an ornery child...throwing stones at squirrels.” Thorin chuckled.

“I was not, I assure you!” Bilbo exclaimed as he finished his snack and throwing away his trash. “My mother would ask that I stood guard over my father’s garden, and that’s what I did.”

“Well, your garden-protection skills may have saved my life,” Thorin commented softly as he handed the toy back to Bilbo. Bilbo’s hands closed gently around Thorin’s as he smiled up at the dwarf.

“I don’t know about that but thank you,” Bilbo blushed as Thorin leaned down and captured his lips. Bilbo grinned into the warm kiss and gladly reciprocated. When they parted Thorin rested his forehead against Bilbo’s.

“Now, let’s go find me a game I can win,” Thorin suggested and Bilbo couldn’t help but roll his eyes.


	4. Drenched

Bilbo couldn’t believe how quickly the weather had changed. Only a half an hour ago when they’d left Bag-End there’d hardly been a cloud in the sky. Now that they had barely begun their shopping storm clouds began to roll in.

“Let’s finish up,” Thorin warned Bilbo softly. “We can finish shopping tomorrow...or later this week. For now it looks like a storm is on its way.”

“Oh, we still have a little time,” Bilbo muttered. “I don’t want to make a second trip down here this week.” Thorin gave a disapproving hum, but continued following along behind Bilbo as they moved through the market.

When the first droplets began to fall and Thorin growled in irritation.

“All right,” Bilbo sighed. “We’ll head into the Green Dragon until this blows over.”

“No, this isn’t just going to be a light drizzle,” Thorin glowered at the dark clouds above them. “Let’s get home before it gets worse.”

Bilbo groaned but followed Thorin away from the market as all the other hobbits hurried towards the Green Dragon for shelter. He supposed this was partially his fault when he refused to go when Thorin first mentioned the storm. It was just impractical to have to go out two days in a row when they were already there at market...and the storm had looked so far away.

Now the two of them hurried up the hill, the dirt paths turning into thick mud and their cloaks beginning to be weighed down by the torrential downpour. He was beginning to wish he had convinced Thorin to retreat to the inn like all the other hobbits. Worst came to worst, they could have just paid for a room for the night and stay there until it was sure to be clear in the morning.

But no, they were still at least another fifteen minutes walk away from home fighting against the worst rain they had seen in a long time. Or at least Bilbo thought so. Perhaps they’d had worse, but usually they were nice and warm inside Bag-End.

Bilbo grasped Thorin’s cold, wet hand as they made their final push up the hill and past the gate to Bag-End. Wiping the rain out of his eyes, Thorin quickly unlocked the door and they both rushed into the front entryway. Thorin set down the basket of food—which was now completely soggy—and began to shed his wet layers of clothing.

“We should have just stayed at the inn! I’m going to come down with a cold, I know it,” Bilbo complained as he pushed his drenched hair out of his eyes.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Thorin sighed, used to his husband’s dramatics. “Besides, If we had stayed at the inn we would have been trapped there all night,” Thorin explained as he pulled himself out of his muddy boots.

“I think I almost would have preferred it to this.” Bilbo left his wet cloak on the stone floor and he carefully made his way back to their bedroom, Thorin trailing behind. “Try not to drip on everything!” Bilbo called.

“You’re one to talk, your feet are going to track mud onto the carpets!” Thorin warned. 

“I wiped my feet as I came in and I’m being careful, all right?” Bilbo replied over his shoulder.

As they reached their room, Bilbo finished cleaning his muddy feet in the wash room before pulling off his soaked clothes and rummaged through the wardrobe. 

“Can you stoke the fire? Make sure you hang everything up to dry,” Bilbo called over his shoulder as he pulled on some fresh clothes.

“Of course,” Thorin agreed as he crouched down to complete his task. Thorin did a double take as he watched Bilbo pull on his dry clothes. “I-Isn’t that my cardigan?”

“It is,” Bilbo chuckled to himself as he turned to face his husband. “I find it incredibly warm and somewhat comforting...and none of my cardigans are clean.”

Thorin smiled as Bilbo came over and leaned down to place a kiss on Thorin’s forehead.

“Finish with the fire and get changed, I’ll go put some tea on,” Bilbo told him before leaving the room.

When Thorin arrived in the kitchen, he found Bilbo preparing them a little bit of food to go with their tea. Thorin snuck a bite to eat before Bilbo swatted his hand away.

“You took my last cardigan,” Thorin accused Bilbo as he came around and placed a kiss on Bilbo’s temple, his arm slipping around Bilbo’s waist.

“Sorry,” Bilbo smiled as he leaned into Thorin’s touch.

“By all means, enjoy it,” Thorin chuckled. “Knowing that you’ve robbed me of warmth.”

“Oh, hush.” Bilbo rolled his eyes. “If you’d like, we can take our afternoon tea to bed.”

“Can we really?” Thorin asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise. Bilbo was usually a stickler for sitting at the dining table or at the very least the kitchen table. On rare occasions like his birthday or their anniversary, Bilbo would make him breakfast in bed, but usually if Thorin wouldn’t wake before Bilbo’s first breakfast and come to the table he would miss out entirely.

“Yes, find the tray,” Bilbo agreed. Thorin lit up, quickly pressing another quick kiss to Bilbo’s temple before going to find the tray on one of the top shelves of the pantry.

Within the next half an hour the two were settled in bed as the rain continued to pound against the windows and the wind howled.

“I’m glad we didn’t end up stuck at the Green Dragon,” Bilbo murmured after plucking another biscuit from their tray.

“If we had left when I said we should have we could have made it back with dry groceries,” Thorin pointed out. Bilbo gently kicked Thorin underneath the quilt.

“I only wanted to avoid going down to market a second time, but I suppose now it’s unavoidable,” Bilbo sighed.

They only got up once more for dinner—which also was brought to bed—and spent the rest of the evening curled up together, visiting softly, snacking on their tray of food and exchanging sweet gentle kisses.

Bilbo decided getting stuck in the rain wasn’t all that bad if this was the end result.


	5. Engagement

When Thorin came into their chambers that night he looked exhausted. Bilbo had already curled up in his armchair for the evening beside the crackling fire in the hearth with a book open in his lap. Thorin shed his robes as he walked and greeted Bilbo with a low moan.

“You’re fairly late tonight,” Bilbo noted as he closed the book. “I missed you at dinner.”

“There’s so much…” Thorin trailed off. “There’s so much to do. I feel like I’ll never get everything done even if Mahal granted me an extra three lifetimes to do so,” Thorin muttered as he placed his crown on their dresser. Bilbo got up and padded over to Thorin as the king shed his last layer, leaving his undertunic.

“You’ve been under too much stress recently,” Bilbo told him, lightly jabbing Thorin's chest. “It’s not good for you.”

“It’s my duty to shoulder this stress. It never promised to be an easy job, you know that,” Thorin muttered.

“I don’t think there are any rules against asking for help, though. I know Dís and Balin and the others do their share but…is there anything I can do to help share the workload?” Bilbo asked.

“You do plenty,  _amrâlimê,_ ” Thorin muttered softly, gently reaching out and cupping Bilbo’s face. “You’ve done so much for me and my people.”

“I still feel like a little bit of a nuisance around here actually,” Bilbo explained with a faint blush. “I’m not really doing much to contribute and I don’t feel as if I fit here quite yet. I’m not a dwarf.”

“Well, there is one thing you could...” Thorin trailed off as if the thought died on his lips. “Never mind. You fit in quite well as it is and the people do appreciate you. You are one of the members of the company that reclaimed this mountain and furthermore—”

“What was it you were going to say? Tell me,” Bilbo pleaded. “I’ll do anything you ask of me. I’m not interested in being useless.”

Thorin hesitated and glanced warily at Bilbo as he collected his thoughts. Finally, Thorin reached out and took both of Bilbo’s hands within his own.

“I would have you marry me,” Thorin proposed quietly.

“O-Oh, right!” Bilbo gasped, a blush burning brightly on his face. “Right, yes, hm.”

“We have been courting for a little while and we share chambers,” Thorin explained. “I should hope a proposal of marriage isn’t too surprising.” Thorin smiled warmly at Bilbo.

“No, no I suppose it isn’t,” Bilbo chuckled softly. “It’s just...married to a king will be quite a bit different than just courting one, I suspect. What, pray tell, would my marriage to you include? Obviously the spouse of a king should be someone of a much more noble stature than I am. Providing heirs also comes to mind and we both know _that’s_ quite impossible...”

“I do hope you haven’t suspected my intentions have never been marriage!” Thorin exclaimed. “I’ve always intended to marry you. You are more noble and respectable than any dwarf in this mountain, Bilbo Baggins,” Thorin said with a broad smile. Bilbo chuckled. “And you know providing heirs was never a requirement to be my spouse. Not when I have Fíli and Kíli.” Thorin explained. “We would be too old for that anyway.”

“I agree,” Bilbo smiled. “But I’m still not sure how marriage would help anything. It seems like making a big fuss over it would only add to your stress instead of reducing it.”

“Consort to the King would have much more leeway in court than the funny little fellow the King happens to be courting,” Thorin offered teasingly.

“Oh, that’s how it is?” Bilbo raised his eyebrows with a smile. “That’s all I am, hm? ‘The funny little fellow the King is courting?’”

Thorin chuckled softly.

“You are much more than that, but to some of the others...it would make a great deal of difference if we were properly married.”

“Ridiculous,” Bilbo muttered.

“You said you wanted to help and if you were officially crowned consort, you could take on several of my responsibilities.” Thorin shrugged.

Bilbo hummed thoughtfully.

“I know that’s a lot to ask of you, but Balin and Dís and I could teach you everything you need to know,” Thorin offered. “I know you’d be great at it. All the help you’ve already offered is proof enough.”

“I imagine if we’re to be married, it would be done before all of Erebor?” Bilbo questioned.

“It would not be dissimilar to my own coronation,” Thorin admitted. Bilbo gave a sigh and nodded.

“So everyone in the entire kingdom will be there,” Bilbo sighed. “But I suppose it’s unavoidable. We’d be married at some point and people are probably wondering when we’ll get on with it since we’ve been courting for as long as we have.” Bilbo admitted.

“Is five years usually a ‘long time’ for hobbits?” Thorin frowned.

“Heavens, yes!” Bilbo laughed. “If we were back in the Shire I could only imagine the gossip we’d cause with a five-year courtship! Usually within a year or two a courting couple make promises to wed and the ceremony takes place the next spring or summer.”

“Oh, my,” Thorin sighed. “I’ve kept you waiting then, haven’t I?” Thorin gave the hobbit a sheepish apologetic look.

“If I had been waiting desperately, I would have already asked you myself, king or not,” Bilbo shrugged. “Is five years not a long time to you dwarves? I suspect since you live so long you probably have courtships of twenty years or something equally ridiculous. I’m probably rushing _you_ into a marriage, aren’t I? Will I cause a scandal here in Erebor for marrying you after only five years?”

“Bilbo, slow down,” Thorin laughed. “Five years is a little long even for us dwarves. Once we begin courtship and the feeling is mutual between the two parties, marriage usually ensues within the next few years. You see, we only truly love one dwarf—or in my case, hobbit—in our lives. Once we know for sure that the one we’re courting is our One, we usually present our partner with a gift suited to one's craft. For instance, if I were still a blacksmith as I was in Ered Luin, perhaps I would craft you a piece of jewelry. However, I’ve proposed now and I’m completely empty handed. I feel like a fool, to be honest.”

“I have nothing to offer you either,” Bilbo admitted. “It’s quite all right, Thorin. Our courtship has been nothing but unconventional.”

“I suppose being King does complicate things a bit more than a traditional courtship,” Thorin suggested.

“A dwarf king courting _a hobbit_ , complicates things a bit more than a traditional courtship, I imagine,” Bilbo smiled at Thorin, gently squeezing his hand.

“Yes, I suppose it does,” Thorin smiled. “But I would not have it any other way.”

Bilbo blushed brightly before looking away and beginning to fidget. Thorin gave an unsure frown as he gently called Bilbo’s name.

“It’s just that…” Bilbo started as his eyes came back to meet Thorin’s, “I’d be lying if the thought hadn’t terrified me before now. I mean, married to a king, is quite the…” Bilbo searched for the right word.

“Adventure?” Thorin offered with a smile.

“Ordeal is more of what I was going to go with, but adventure is a nicer way of putting it.” Bilbo laughed.

“Come now, you’ve done a spectacular job the past several years you’ve lived here. You haven’t been Consort, but you haven’t exactly been living as an ordinary citizen, have you?” Thorin raised his eyebrows at the hobbit. Bilbo gave a noncommittal gesture.

“I suppose being the funny little fellow the king happens to be courting has had its moments,” Bilbo agreed sardonically and Thorin laughed.

“You have more than enough training for this, I know it,” Thorin encouraged him. “And I would be thrilled to finally call you my husband.”

“I suppose we have a wedding to plan then, hm?” Bilbo gave a smile to Thorin.

In response, Thorin leaned down and pressed a bristly kiss to Bilbo’s lips to which Bilbo happily reciprocated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I continue to keep up the snail's pace with this collection! It's been such a relief to have quick little oneshot prompts to write through when I hit writer's block with everything else. Thanks for reading!


	6. Feline Foes and Fantasy Fiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is where the oneshots get freakishly long...or at least this one is. I got the idea for this one and made it fit for the Bagginshield Alphabet collection. It worked perfectly!
> 
> This is also where the AUs really begin to differ, so this one is a Modern!AU (and could be set quite 5-7 years after my first Bagginshield ficlet that I wrote nearly three years ago: [Breaking Tradition.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1026170/chapters/2042925) I had a plan to expand that fic forever ago and it seems that it's taking shape in another ficlet form.) Enjoy!

“No, Smaug,” Thorin growled as he leaned over and picked up the fat orange persian cat. “The couch is not for scratching. This scratch pad is.”

Upon being wrenched from his favorite scratching spot, Smaug now turned his claws on Thorin, sinking them deep into Thorin’s forearm.

“Ouch!” Thorin hissed as he dropped the cat onto the aforementioned scratchpad. “Damn cat. Learn some manners,” Thorin muttered. “We’re giving you food and a roof over your head so don’t you dare—”

Thorin was interrupted by Bilbo.

“I’m still not sure why you’re so insistent on naming the cat after the dragon in my book,” Bilbo sighed as he walked into the room with a cup of tea in hand.

“He is a menace. Just like your dragon,” Thorin growled. “Anyway, Frodo liked it. So it’s staying.”

Bilbo frowned down at the orange cat who looked as if it was planning both of their murders at the very moment solely because they would not allow him to scratch the sofa.

This was the third week they’d played host to the cat—nicknamed thus far, ‘the orange menace’—after Frodo found him while playing in the backyard and begged to keep him. The cat had no collar and they’d taken the cat to the vet to scan for a microchip. When it was clear that one wasn’t present, they took the cat home and Bilbo and Frodo worked on creating some ‘Found’ posters. Those had gone up two and a half weeks ago with no response. With each passing day it seemed as if they’d permanently gained a new family member.

Bilbo was ready to take the cat to the animal shelter a week ago and Thorin supported him, but when they went to go tell Frodo what should be done they found the orange menace curled up peacefully in Frodo’s lap as he watched television. The boy’s uncles looked at each other and sighed, realizing they couldn’t take the cat away from Frodo. He’d had so much fun looking after the cat during those weeks, if the cat had no other owner it only seemed right to keep the cat for Frodo’s sake.

That’s how they ended up at the pet store a week ago with Frodo piling in cat toys, catnip and scratch pads galore into their cart along with the essentials like a permanent litter box, food dishes and a large bag of cat kibble. Frodo bounced up and down excitedly telling the cashier about their new cat and she smiled and nodded as she rang up their purchases. Thorin’s face went pale when the cashier gave them their total.

“We could have done without the expensive cat tree,” Thorin muttered as he pulled out his credit card and paid. “The owners of that cat could simply be on vacation and they’ll be back tomorrow afternoon and realize their demon has gotten loose. Then what will we do with this small fortune worth of cat toys?”

“If the owner had been gone away that long on vacation, surely they would have had someone cat-sitting and they would have realized the cat was gone. Whoever they are would have replied to the found poster. Now shush, Thorin,” Bilbo jabbed his husband’s side. “Frodo’s happy, it’ll be fine.”

Now, here they were three weeks into their cat occupancy with brightly colored cat toys scattered throughout the living room.

Smaug had touched none of them.

He avoided the fancy cat bed as if it would reach out and attack him. The cat even turned his nose up at the cat kibble they got. Up until then they’d been feeding the cat small portions of tuna from cans they had found at the back of the pantry. So now, when proper cat kibble was introduced to the cat, he refused to eat it. Bilbo had run to the store three separate times to buy a different kind to see what kind of kibble he would like because he would not support the cat’s tuna addiction.

Thorin was thankful that the cat at least had the decency to use the litterbox. If it had refused to do that, the cat would be out of there no matter how much Frodo loved it.

The other night, Thorin had playfully referred to the cat as _Smaug the Tyrannical_ over dinner, which was the name of the fictional dragon in Bilbo’s book he had recently finished writing. Thorin had been reading it over before Bilbo sent it to the editor and he couldn’t help but draw comparisons between the cat and his fictional counterpart.

Frodo loved the connection between the cat and his uncle’s stories and immediately adopted the name, despite the negative connotation to it. Thorin found it amusing and Bilbo was a little skeptical.

“Still,” Bilbo sighed as he currently watched Thorin try to direct Smaug’s attention to the scratch pad, “you had to pick the dragon.”

“It’ll make for a nice story when you’re on your book tour,” Thorin told Bilbo teasingly as he finally stood up straight. Bilbo hummed as he contemplated it.

“Let’s make sure my editor approves the final manuscript before we start planning book tours. She didn’t like the last fantasy I gave her, and she’s been fighting me the entire time I’ve worked on this one. She wants to push it more towards something ‘a modern audience’ would appreciate,” Bilbo muttered.

“Lobelia’s opinions be damned, I think it could be on the bestseller lists,” Thorin complimented his husband.

“Ah, you haven’t reached the end where my writing crashes and burns, then,” Bilbo remarked nonchalantly. Thorin ignored his self-deprecating comment and continued.

“In fact, it could be a literary classic. Fifty years from now, when Frodo is teaching Literature at Rivendell University, he’ll be teaching your book.”

“Oh, stop,” Bilbo rolled his eyes. “Now, come on. Don’t get the cat all riled up now, it’s nearly bed time.”

“Call him by his proper name,” Thorin chastised Bilbo.

“Don’t get _Smaug_ all riled up,” Bilbo finally gave in. “He’s actually a sweet cat when he starts to trust you. I was sitting in the living room yesterday afternoon while you and Frodo were out at the park and he came and curled up on my lap. Perhaps we can finally convince him to come sleep with us at night.” Bilbo looked down with a soft smile to the cat who had ignored the scratch pads and was now rubbing up against Bilbo’s legs.

“He only knows you put down the food for him,” Thorin muttered. “It’s the only reason he likes you.”

“Ah, I did finally find him the food he _likes,_ which was an ordeal within itself, so that definitely counts for something. Oh, that reminds me, I need to take those other bags of cat food and donate them to the animal shelter. If this asshole won’t eat the kibble, I’m sure the shelter cats will.”

“Don’t let Frodo hear you calling Smaug an asshole,” Thorin laughed, leaning over and placing a chaste kiss on Bilbo's lips.

“Right,” Bilbo laughed, pulling Thorin in for another quick kiss. “Now, bedtime.”

Bilbo followed Thorin to their bedroom and Smaug followed uncertainly behind them. Bilbo turned and watched as the cat slinked off to Frodo’s room. He smiled, glad Frodo now had a companion at night.

Once they were in bed, Bilbo opened up his laptop to go through and address the comments and edits Thorin had left on the last couple chapters of his book. Thorin curled against Bilbo’s side, a hand gently resting on Bilbo’s thigh and fell asleep. Finally, Bilbo decided to come to a stopping point and carefully placed his laptop on the bedside table. He lifted Thorin’s arm from his leg and pulled it around his torso as he got settled. Thorin woke briefly to adjust and pull Bilbo in closer to him and mutter something unintelligible. Just as Bilbo was about to fall asleep he felt a careful weight at the bottom of the bed and heard the quiet purring of the orange menace.

**x**

A year later, Thorin sat at the table in a cafe connected to a large bookstore watching Bilbo during a book signing.

Bilbo’s book had been more successful than they’d all expected. It did, in fact, climb the bestseller list that spring and the publishing company offered Bilbo a small book tour which was more than Bilbo ever expected.

There was a somewhat decent turnout at all the book signing events and Bilbo even got to sit on a panel during a Q&A during some writers retreat.

What made the trip all the more exciting was Bilbo being able to bring along Thorin and Frodo. At first the publishing company wouldn’t allow Bilbo to bring them, but after Lobelia pulled some strings and Bilbo and Thorin promised to fund most of the trip themselves, they really couldn’t say no.

Bilbo looked over at him between signings and Thorin smiled back at him.

When Bilbo looked away, Thorin glanced at his phone with a new message from Kíli who had volunteered to watch the house and the cats while they were gone. However, his nephew was insistent on sending at least three pictures a day of their cats.

Yes, _cats_ , plural.

Thorin wasn’t exactly sure when they had become ‘cat people,’ but they had and soon Smaug had a companion. Bilbo had read somewhere online that cats thrived better when they had a feline companion, or maybe it was just Frodo looking at funny cat videos online that featured two cats. Either way, Bilbo and Frodo began discussing the possibility of taking on another cat. Thorin was skeptical that Smaug would ever get along with another cat, but in the end Thorin couldn’t say no and soon they were bringing home a pale, lanky Siamese cat with large reflective eyes.

They struggled with a name for this cat and Thorin was once again suggesting names out of Bilbo’s book to match Smaug’s namesake.

“Gollum,” Thorin decided.

“For heaven’s sake, you’re being quite rude to these poor animals,” Bilbo gave an exasperated sigh. “You’re not naming the new cat after the miserable cave creature in my book. Not after you named the first cat after the greedy, villainous dragon that killed thousands of people.”

“It’s your fault you write evil characters that have such good names for cats.” Thorin smirked as he tried to coax the cat to play with one of Smaug’s untouched toys. The cat’s eyes flashed with curiosity as he reached up a paw to bat at the toy before pulling it out of Thorin’s hand and curling around it and kicking it violently with his back paws. “He looks like a Gollum, doesn’t he, Frodo?”

“He kinda does, Uncle Bilbo,” Frodo grinned at the new addition to their family.

Bilbo had been unable to come up with any better names and soon the name stuck.

Following Lobelia’s suggestion, Bilbo had posted pictures of the two cats together to his social media sites a few weeks after the book was published to drum up some publicity for the book. The publishing house had shared his post and it had gotten much more attention than Bilbo expected. Now as he signed books at various places and even during the Q&A panel, there were quite a few fans that brought up the cats and asked Bilbo if the cats were named after the characters or the characters written after the cats.

Bilbo continuously tried to tell people he wasn’t so cruel as to saddle his cats with names of vile characters in his book, but it had in fact been all his husband's fault and his nephew had agreed and the rest was history.

Eventually, the cafe was beginning to fill up and a kind man asked Thorin if it was alright to sit at his table with him. Thorin wasn’t particularly keen on sharing his table with a stranger, but he felt a little guilty he was taking up a spot in the cafe for so long as he watched Bilbo talk to his fans. The stranger caught him staring off at the author and started a conversation with Thorin.

“Have you come for the book signing?” the man asked.

“You could say that,” Thorin shrugged. “Have you come for the signing, as well?” Thorin asked glancing at the bag from the bookstore in the man’s hand.

“Yes! I was so excited to hear Bilbo Baggins was signing books here,” the man excitedly told him. “I’ve already read the book and I enjoyed it quite a bit. I'm thrilled to get a signed copy. He seems like such a pleasant chap, too.”

Thorin smiled, pleased to hear the stranger praising Bilbo and his hard work. 

“Have you...already had your copy signed?” the man asked looking and finding no copy of Bilbo’s book on the table.

“Oh, no,” Thorin shook his head. “Technically I can get all the signed copies I want, whenever I want considering the fact I’m Bilbo’s husband.”

“Oh!” the man nodded. “Oh, right...pleased to meet you!”

Thorin gave the man a bemused smile and suddenly the man was overflowing with questions about what it was like to live with an author and if Bilbo ever consulted with him about plots and even those damn cats and their names. Bilbo should have never posted pictures to his social media accounts. Thorin had joked about it back before Bilbo published, but frankly, he was tired of hearing about the cats now.

Frodo finally found him sitting in the cafe with a book or two in hand after scouring the bookshop for quite a while. Bilbo had promised Frodo he could buy a few books since this was one of the more unique book stores he’d done a signing in and the tour was at its end.

“Made your decision?” Thorin asked looking at the books in Frodo’s hands.

“Yes, and can we go to the shops across the street from here? I think I saw a kind of pet store we don’t have back home,” Frodo asked. “Can we get Smaug and Gollum new toys as a gift to apologize for being gone for so long?”

“I suppose,” Thorin sighed. “I think Uncle Bilbo’s signing goes for another hour at least, so let’s go buy these and then we’ll head over there. Let me tell him where we’re going real quick,” Thorin explained. Thorin bid goodbye to the stranger as he and Frodo wandered over behind the table and Bilbo had spotted them getting up and making their way over. One of the tour aids explained to the next person in line that Bilbo was taking a quick break as Bilbo got up to greet Thorin and Frodo.

“What a crowd, hm?” Thorin remarked as he pecked Bilbo’s cheek. Bilbo quickly pulled his husband behind the curtain set up behind the signing table. Bilbo had never been one for public displays of affection, but now that he was a somewhat recognizable figure in the public eye, he’d become even worse about it.

“You guys get bored yet?” Bilbo asked. “Oh, look at that, you’ve found some books,” Bilbo remarked as he smiled down at his nephew.

“Yeah, yeah and Uncle Thorin and I are going to walk across to the shops on the other side of the street. There’s a pet shop there and I was thinking we could get some souvenirs for Smaug and Gollum!” Frodo told him excitedly.

“That’s nice of you,” Bilbo chuckled. “Have fun. I should be wrapping up about 1:30. If you have time you should pick us up a proper lunch. I don’t mind pastries from the coffee shop, but I would like a proper meal, thank you.”

“I’m sure there’s something around here we can get you. I’ll text you if we find something,” Thorin assured him.

“All right, I’ll see you then,” Bilbo nodded. Thorin leaned down and quickly pecked Bilbo’s lips one more time. “Can you not do that when we’re at an event where everyone is here to see me?” Bilbo whispered. 

“Love you,” Thorin replied with a smirk.

“Honestly, there are days I could strangle you,” Bilbo sighed with a warm smile of his own.

“Don’t let anyone hear you say that, Bilbo! Can you imagine the rumors? I’m going to be at the grocery store next week and while I’m waiting in line to check out I’m going to see a headline in those terrible tabloids, ‘Best-selling author Bilbo Baggins threatens violence against husband, divorce is imminent!’ And then they’ll insist you’re having an affair with at least three other celebrities—together or separately, I haven’t decided—and there’ll be a blurry picture of you with a scowl on your face as you leave your favorite bakery when they run out of blueberry scones on Monday morning and they’ll insist that you—”

“Alright, are you quite finished?” Bilbo interrupted Thorin’s tirade.

“No, I’m not,” Thorin insisted.

“Just go.” Bilbo rolled his eyes. “My fans await my return,” Bilbo sighed dramatically.

Frodo rolled his eyes as his uncles laughed at their own jokes and he pulled at Thorin’s hand to try to remind him that they should be on their way.

“Okay, okay, we’re going,” Thorin agreed, smiling one last time at Bilbo who quickly stuck his tongue out at the two of them before disappearing around the curtain again. “Sorry, were we embarrassing you?” Thorin chuckled as he followed Frodo to the front of the store.

“You always do,” Frodo mumbled walking at least three steps in front of Thorin and Thorin grinned proudly.

Once Thorin had paid for the books that Frodo had picked out, they walked across the street and found the pet boutique Frodo had spotted on the way in.

“Pick out one toy for each cat,” Thorin told him as they found the cat section. Frodo combed through the variety of toys talking through the pros and cons of each toy and asking Thorin’s opinion on what each cat would like.

Finally, they decided on two toys that Thorin was sure Gollum would like because he was positive Smaug wouldn’t touch the new toys.

Maybe if it was doused in catnip.

_Maybe._

“Okay, we’ve got to get lunch for your uncle,” Thorin decided after they checked out. “I think I saw a sandwich shop a couple blocks away.” Thorin pulled out his phone and handed it to Frodo. “He’s still got another half an hour at his signing, but why don’t you text him that we’ll pick up sandwiches for when he's finished. Here, you can use my phone.”

Frodo sighed as he shifted the bag from the pet boutique from his hand to his wrist and pulled up Thorin’s text messages and quickly found Bilbo’s number and worked on typing out a text.

“Is it really necessary you and Uncle Bilbo use so many emojis in your texts?” Frodo remarked on Thorin’s previous messages to Bilbo.

“They’re fun,” Thorin protested. “And there’s so many of them! You see, we try to incorporate as many ridiculous emojis as we can, but they have to be relevant to the text we’re sending. Oh! Do they have a sandwich emoji?”

“I don’t think so,” Frodo chuckled as he rolled his eyes.

“What about...a fork or something?” Thorin suggested. “They’ve got to have one of those.”

“Uncle Thorin,” Frodo sighed, “I don’t want to play your game.”

“Oh, Frodo. You’re no fun,” Thorin grumbled, gesturing for Frodo to hand back the phone.

Once Thorin had finished the text with the proper emojis attached and sent it on his way, he and Frodo walked a block or two to find the sandwich shop Thorin had mentioned. After they’d gone quite a ways from the bookshop, Frodo was beginning to doubt his uncle.

“You said it was only a block or two away, Uncle Thorin,” Frodo sighed.

“Yes, I swear it was around here!” Thorin argued. “Or was it that way…” Thorin muttered.

“I’m getting hungry,” Frodo muttered as he followed Thorin.

“Yes, well we’re almost there,” Thorin grumbled as he rubbed the back of his neck and looked around.

“If you’re sure,” Frodo muttered.

They spent another ten minutes walking and Frodo was losing all the faith he had left.

“Let’s just head back to the bookstore. Uncle Bilbo should be done soon and we’ll just go get lunch with him,” Frodo suggested. Thorin didn’t want to give up and return empty handed but Frodo was right. It’d be best if they headed back.

However, it turned out, tracing their footsteps left them just as lost as ever.

“I could have sworn the bookstore was in this direction,” Frodo explained as they looked around, nothing seeming familiar. “Do you remember the name of the bookstore? We can look it up on our phones.” Frodo suggested.

“Oh, I can't remember. Everything's a blur after doing this for two weeks,” Thorin sighed.

“We could ask for directions. Or maybe we should just call Uncle Bilbo.” 

“Are you kidding? I’ll never hear the end of it if I have to call him and tell him we’re lost!” Thorin exclaimed. “I’m sure we’re just about there. Besides, he’s probably just now wrapping up and you know that these events go a little late. We don’t want to disturb him.”

They continued wandering, no closer to the bookstore than before. Frodo was beginning to feel miserable as he continued to get hungrier and more exhausted from wandering for so long.

“I’m going to call Uncle Bilbo soon if we don’t see anything familiar in the next five minutes,” Frodo decided.

“I suppose Bilbo will get worried if he can’t find us,” Thorin muttered as they continued. They walked in silence for another moment or two when a familiar black town car pulled up to the curb and the window rolled down.

“Are you kind fellows lost? Perhaps you’d like a ride?” a voice called. They looked and found Bilbo grinning at them from the window.

“Bilbo!” Thorin cried in both exasperation and relief.

“You’re quite lost, aren’t you?” Bilbo smiled boastfully.

“How did you find us?” Thorin asked as he approached the car.

“I had a feeling something like this would happen letting you wander around the city you’d never been to before. Remember the app you installed on both of our phones and Frodo’s when Frodo began walking home from school with Sam? You wanted to know when he was heading home and where he was at on the way home,” Bilbo explained. “Well, it wasn’t too hard to track you both down with the GPS. You're about twenty blocks away from the bookshop and I figured something must have happened.”

“There was a nice sandwich place that we passed on the way in. I thought it looked good and I...” Thorin trailed off.

“Was it that corner deli we passed two blocks before the bookshop on our way in?” Bilbo asked.

“Yes,” Thorin nodded.

“I do believe they had a ‘to let’ sign inside and the place looked as if it were closed for business,” Bilbo chuckled.

“You’re joking,” Thorin groaned, looking so incredibly defeated that his search had been in vain.

“Either way, you couldn’t find it,” Bilbo laughed with a broad smile.

“Yes, hysterical, isn’t it?” Thorin replied dryly.

“Get in and we’ll go and have a proper lunch. I saw a nice bistro a few blocks ago that is actually open,” Bilbo teased Thorin. Thorin grumbled and nodded as he opened the door and got in beside Bilbo with Frodo following behind.  

“It’s okay,” Bilbo chuckled softly as he rested his hand on Thorin’s knee. “I found you. I’ll always find you.”

“Of course you always will with a GPS tracking app on my phone,” Thorin grumbled and took Bilbo’s hand between his own. Bilbo began to laugh again squeezing Thorin’s hand.

“I hadn’t realized the other applications it would have when you first suggested it,” Bilbo explained. “But now I know that it can help me find my lost husband when he wanders off, I think it’s an excellent thing. Now come on, please do cheer up before lunch. I was hoping we could enjoy the rest of the day and go do some touristy things before we have to head home tomorrow.” Bilbo suggested.

**x**

When they finally arrived home, Smaug and Gollum were skulking around the door and meowed loudly at them, reprimanding them for being gone for so long.

“Oh, you miserable things,” Thorin sighed. “Settle down. We’re home.”

“We got you cat toys!” Frodo exclaimed excitedly as he came in and greeted the cats. They dropped all of their luggage in the entryway, too tired to care about properly unpacking tonight.

Frodo immediately went to find the cat toys in their luggage as the cats looked on curiously.

“Tea. Do you want any?” Bilbo asked as he headed towards the kitchen.

“No, I’m good,” Thorin told him as he helped Frodo look through their luggage for the cat toys. The cats were underfoot as they could sense that something in the baggage must be for them. If there wasn’t, they were desperate to try to explore the luggage anyway. It probably smelled like the airport and they were attempting to rub their scent into the bags once again.

Once the cat toys were found, Thorin collapsed on the couch and watched as Frodo began to play with the cats. Smaug sat back and watched Frodo and Gollum play with disdain, but Gollum was excitedly crouching and pouncing on his new toy.

Bilbo reappeared with his cup of tea and carefully sat down next to Thorin, ensuring his tea didn’t spill. Pulling his feet up onto the sofa he leaned against Thorin as he watched Frodo play with Gollum and the new cat toys they brought home.

“Glad to be home?” Thorin murmured as he carefully wrapped his arm around Bilbo’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Yes. Remind me to never write another best-selling novel again,” Bilbo sighed as he sipped his tea.

“Oh, but you already have notes for a sequel,” Thorin remarked with a chuckle.

“How did you—?” Bilbo sputtered.

“You were making notes on the trip home,” Thorin explained. “You nodded off for a while, pen still in your hand. You don’t have a title for it. You had the word ‘sequel’ written and underlined at the top of the paper. You’re not exactly discreet, dear.”

“Yes, well, whatever the case, it’s not going to be done for a long time. In fact, I’m going to take a year off from serious writing,” Bilbo told him. “I’m not even going to contact the publisher to tell them I’ve got something else in the works.”

“You say that now,” Thorin sighed. “You’re going to be back at writing until 2am again within a month. You’ll accidentally let it slip to Lobelia in four months time. Anyway, I’m proud of you,” Thorin continued. “You’re amazing, truly.”

Bilbo hummed uncertainly in response and Thorin chuckled leaning in slightly. Giving Thorin an exasperated look, Bilbo closed the gap and placed a soft kiss on Thorin’s lips. Thorin gave a pleased chuckle at the back of his throat and Bilbo smiled against his bristly beard.

Suddenly, Bilbo pulled away when he felt a slight pressure on his upper thigh. He turned to find Smaug vying for attention.

“Oh yes, all right,” Bilbo sighed. “I haven’t seen you in a couple weeks. Why should I give my husband attention when you’re here to grace me with your presence?”

Smaug took this as an invitation and made his way onto Bilbo’s lap completely. Bilbo reached out to allow Smaug to smell his hand and Smaug gently headbutted his hand. Eventually giving in, Bilbo began properly stroking Smaug’s fur.

“I can’t believe he missed us,” Thorin smiled as he extended his own hand to the cat. Smaug glanced at the extended hand for a moment and batted at it aggressively.

“Smaug, you’re going to have to learn to be nice to Thorin at some point, you know. He lives in this house too,” Bilbo scolded the cat gently.

“Well, he missed you at least,” Thorin sighed and checked his hand over for a scratch.

“Nonsense, I’m sure they both missed all of us in their own way,” Bilbo remarked as he continued to gently pet Smaug. The cat purred beneath his fingertips. “At least Gollum liked the toys you picked out.” Bilbo smiled as Frodo laid on the floor and continued to play with Gollum.

“That was the plan all along,” Thorin boasted. “I knew the orange menace wouldn’t touch his toys so I made sure Frodo picked toys Gollum would like.” Thorin gave a knowing glare at the cat that had settled on Bilbo’s lap. Smaug shot back an equally scathing stare.

“Use his proper name, Thorin,” Bilbo chastised playfully. 

“My deepest apologies, O Smaug, the Tyrannical,” Thorin bowed his head mockingly towards the cat.

“Okay now, leave him be, Thorin. We're all tired,” Bilbo chuckled softly and Thorin took the opportunity indulge in another tea-flavored kiss. 


	7. Game Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Modern AU! I've honestly had this little ficlet floating around in my drafts since... probably early 2014 or late 2013 and brushed the dust off to use for this challenge. In terms of the kids ages from youngest to eldest: Pippin (13), Sam (14), Frodo (15), Merry (16), Kíli (19), Fíli (24). There are also the briefest mentions of Kiliel and Figrid, which I know isn't everyone's jam, but I mean it really is REALLY BRIEF. Also I've already done a 'competition' fill, but apparently I really like Bilbo and Thorin being really competitive with each other, eheh. Enjoy!

“Fíli, Kíli, you’re staying in tonight,” Thorin told them as they finished up dinner. “We’re having a family game night.” 

“Uncle Thorin, no,” Kíli groaned. “We’re supposed to go out and meet friends. Merry and Pip were gonna go with us. Frodo said you were just going to watch movies tonight.” 

“What? You’re not taking Merry and Pippin anywhere. You said you’d stay and help babysit the kids.” Thorin frowned at his nephews. 

“The only one who needs babysitting is Pip,” Merry teased his cousin. 

“No, I don’t!” Pippin protested. 

“We  _ were _ babysitting the kids by taking them out with us,” Kíli shrugged and looked away. 

“Where were you going to take them?” Thorin raised his eyebrow in their direction. 

“We were gonna go bowling, maybe get food later,” Kíli muttered. 

“I don’t think so,” Bilbo shook his head. “We said we’d keep the kids here tonight, we’re going to stay in and do game night and later we’ll all watch a movie, okay?”

“Uncle Bilbo,” Merry sighed. “Please? We wanted to go out with Fíli and Kíli!” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Bilbo frowned. “Your mothers both knew you were staying here tonight…as in, staying _at the house_. And I don't think Fíli and Kíli aren’t the best of influences…”

_ “Uncle Bilbo,” _ both Fíli and Kíli groaned in unison.  

“Please stay?” Frodo begged. “I didn’t know we were doing game night and you know how bad Uncle Bilbo and Uncle Thorin are when we play games. Don’t make Sam and I have to deal with that alone,” Frodo added in a hushed tone. 

“I heard that,” Thorin smiled at Frodo who skillfully avoided his gaze. 

“Which is  _ why _ we don’t want to be here,” Fíli whispered back to Frodo. 

“Come on, we promise to be good,” Bilbo handed his plate to Thorin who had stood up and was collecting dirty dishes to wash in the sink. 

“Do we?” Thorin asked looking over his shoulder at his husband. 

“Yes, we do,” Bilbo glared at the back of Thorin’s head. Kíli groaned. 

“Fine,” Fíli agreed. “We’ll stay.”  

_ “Fíli!” _ Kíli groaned. “We could have still gone out without them, we’re adults after all.”

“Yes, but you’re asked by your dear aging uncles to stay in and spend some time with us,” Bilbo interjected. “You had promised that you were going to help with the kids tonight.” 

“Yeah, when we thought we could take them out with us,” Kíli muttered. 

“What are we going to play?” Thorin asked, changing the subject as he started rinsing off plates. 

“Well, what game is gonna do the least amount of damage?” Kíli asked sarcastically. 

“Candyland?” Sam suggested. “You can’t get into many arguments playing Candyland.”

“Aw, that’s no fun Sam,” Merry sighed. 

“No, Thorin nearly ripped the board in two last time we played with Mum,” Fíli quickly added. “She landed on Gumdrop Pass.” 

“Okay, that was nearly fifteen years ago!” Thorin cried. “How do you still remember that? You were like eight or nine years old at the time.”

“Oh, I remember too! Thorin managed to get ahead but got stuck in the molasses swamp for five turns. He ended up being third place,” Kíli grinned. “He was livid for weeks.” Bilbo couldn’t hide his grin. 

“I was not,” Thorin argued turning around as he turned off the tap. “I just think Dís had stolen all the red cards, making it impossible for me to leave the Molasses Swamp.” Thorin exasperatedly explained as he began to load the dishwasher.

“For fifteen years ago, you sure remember pretty clearly,” Bilbo chuckled. 

“She did not steal the red cards, I’m pretty sure Fíli drew a red card during one of his turns!” Kíli defended his mother. 

“Yes, because your mother stole them all out of the deck and gave one to you… or stacked the deck or something. She was  _ involved, _ ” Thorin argued as he continued to work. 

“Okay, we’re not playing Candyland because Thorin’s scarred for life apparently, that’s decided.” Bilbo rolled his eyes. “Even though I promise I wouldn’t stack the deck and trap you in the Molasses Swamp, dear.” 

“I don’t believe you.” Thorin shook his head. 

“Let’s play something like Risk,” Fíli suggested. Thorin turned around and raised his eyebrows, nodding excitedly. “It'd be a learning opportunity. We can teach the kids strategy.” 

_“No,_ absolutely not. We don’t have eight hours to play tonight!” Bilbo protested. “We are not playing Risk. Last time you two persuaded us to play we all fell asleep after four hours.”

“Yeah, we know, we could hear your snores,” Thorin muttered in Bilbo’s direction as he continued to load the dishwasher. 

“Battleship!” Kíli offered. 

“Kíli, there’s eight of us. Battleship is for two players.” 

“We could make it work,” 

“No, no Battleship.” Bilbo shook his head. “Monopoly?”

“Uncle Bilbo, you’re the master at Monopoly,” Frodo muttered.

“Cause he steals from the bank,” Thorin quipped.

“You’re always the banker, how can  _ I  _ be stealing from the bank?” Bilbo argued.

“You distract me,” Thorin offered quickly. “And you steal money while I’m not looking.”

_ “I distract you?”  _ Bilbo laughed. 

“Yes you do, I swear that one time you—“

“So we decided that’s a no on Monopoly, huh?” Fíli cleared his throat and looked poignantly at his uncles.

“No. No, to Monopoly.” Bilbo decided. 

“Well, someone decide!” Kíli moaned. “Or we’ll be here all night.”

“How about a card game? Uno?” Frodo suggested. 

“Let’s go with that. Anyone have any horror stories about Uncle Bilbo and Uncle Thorin and Uno?” Fíli asked.

“Not yet!” Pippin laughed. 

“Yeah, let’s try to fix that,” Merry smirked. 

They sat on the floor around the coffee table in the living room and Frodo went and fetched the deck of Uno cards. He dealt the cards and within half an hour cards were flying and voices were raised. 

“I said  _ Uno _ , Bilbo!” Thorin declared.

“You didn’t start to say it until I did!” Bilbo shouted.

“You’re only still upset that I used the Wild Draw Four card on you,” Thorin retorted. 

“Well, maybe you’re still upset that I kept using Skip and Reverse cards against you,” Bilbo snapped back.

“Okay,” Frodo stood up collecting everyone’s cards. “That’s enough.” 

“Frodo, you should have just let them have it out,” Merry complained as his cousin collected his two remaining cards. “I would have won the round.” 

“We’re done,” Frodo said as he stacked the cards. “Can we just do movies now?”

“Oh, Frodo,” Bilbo sighed. “One more game. There has to be something left in the game closet that you’ll let us play.”

“Oh,” Sam spoke up. “What if we played a game where Mister Bilbo and Mister Thorin are on a team? That way they won’t argue or get competitive with each other.” 

“Yeah, good luck,” Fíli chuckled. 

“They’ll never agree,” Frodo sighed. “Believe me I’ve tried in the past to get them to do teams.” 

“Give us a chance,” Thorin protested. “If playing on a team would ease the way, we can agree to settle our differences and accept team status.” Thorin continued with a dramatic sigh. Frodo rolled his eyes and Kíli laughed. 

“You’re married, shouldn’t you want to be on a team?” Kíli asked.

“They’d rather prove that they’re better at a game than the other, than work together,” Frodo sighed. “What are we gonna play then?” Frodo continued. Bilbo pulled himself up and escorted Frodo to the closet where they kept the games. He looked through them as Frodo put the Uno deck away. 

“Mmm,” Bilbo hummed as he looked. “Dear, what about Pictionary?” Bilbo called back to the living room. 

“Sounds good,” Thorin agreed. 

“Oh, boy,” Frodo sighed. 

“Don’t sigh at me,” Bilbo smirked as he pulled the Pictionary box from where it sat. “Come on, let’s go set it up.” Bilbo brought the game and set it on the coffee table. “Thorin and I, Frodo and Sam, Merry and Pip, Fíli and Kili?” Bilbo quickly delineated teams. 

“Yeah!” Pippin nudged Merry in excitement. 

“How are your drawing skills, Sam?” Frodo smiled at his friend as the game was unboxed.

“Not as good as yours, I’m afraid,” Sam replied sheepishly. 

“Yeah, Frodo’s pretty good at drawing, I don’t think that’s fair,” Kíli protested. “We’re already at a disadvantage.” 

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Fíli remarked. “I saw you drawing Tauriel’s portrait the other day and—” 

“Tauriel?” both Bilbo and Thorin asked at the same time. 

“Who’s Tauriel?” Bilbo questioned. “I haven’t heard that name before.” 

“Just a new friend,” Kíli insisted with a blush. 

“His new  _ girl _ _friend_ , he means,” Frodo explained, with a smirk to his cousin who looked furious. 

“ _ Frodo, shush ! ”  _

“He won’t shut up about her,” Fíli rolled his eyes. “I’m surprised he hasn’t let it slip to you yet.” 

“Oh, like you don't go on about Sigrid?” Kíli shot back. 

“Sigrid?” Bilbo and Thorin asked again.

“No, no. That’s completely different,” Fíli defended himself. “We really are… friends… well, kind of. It’s complicated. At least you won’t catch  _ us _ making out in a dark closet like a couple of stupid teenagers.” 

“Fíli! You weren’t supposed to tell anyone about that,” Kíli hissed, kicking his brother under the table. 

“Were these the two  _ friends _ you were going out to meet tonight?” Bilbo asked. 

“Not  _ just _ them…” Kíli muttered. “Others, too.”

“Well you can go out with them tomorrow night,” Bilbo said.

“Maybe you can bring them over for dinner tomorrow?” Thorin suggested.

“Oh, my God, can we just play Pictionary, already!?” Kíli groaned. 

Bilbo laughed, nudging Thorin beside him and Thorin looked smug, winning their ever on-going competition of embarrassing their nephews the most. 

“Okay, yes, let’s finish setting up, we can do a couple practice rounds and then we’ll start,” Bilbo agreed. Once the pencils and pads of paper were distributed between teams they began to play. They got through about a half an hour of gameplay before they were all getting frustrated. Bilbo was the first to lose his temper during his and Thorin’s turn. 

Thorin was frantically doodling on his pad of paper while Bilbo guessed every possible thing he could think of along with some very obviously incorrect guesses. Thorin gave up and simply gestured wildly to his drawing. 

“Time’s up!” Merry called.

“Honestly, what the fuck is that, Thorin?” Bilbo exasperatedly asked before anxiously turning to Pippin and putting his hands over the boy’s ears. 

“Uncle Bilbo, I know that word,” Pippin explained batting Bilbo’s hands away. 

“You’re eleven, you shouldn’t know those things.” Bilbo frowned down at him. “I know Tina or Paladin don’t speak that way around you.”

“Apparently, his uncles do,” Frodo smirked and Sam laughed.

“You were worried Kíli and I were bad influences,” Fili chuckled.  


“Well, he’s also got Mister Troublemaker for a cousin though,” Thorin gave Merry a pointed look, who merely smiled innocently. 

“I’m not eleven, I’m thirteen, Uncle Bilbo,” Pippin reminded Bilbo. 

“Oh, good heavens, you are,” Bilbo realized. “I forgot your birthday was last month. I swear a year ago you were still seven years old… where does the time go?” 

“Uncle Bilbo, the game,” Frodo redirected his uncle back to the game.

“Right, yes,” Bilbo turned back to the pad of paper Thorin had been drawing on. “Okay, seriously, Thorin, what is that?” Bilbo asked again, excluding the expletive.

“Macaroni!” Thorin gasped in frustration. “Macaroni, Bilbo!” 

“Macaroni? That’s a fucking worm!”

“Do you put worms in a bowl?  _ That’s a bowl. _ ” Thorin pointed to his messy scrawl. 

“I didn’t think that was a bowl! I thought that was just a… a… jar of dirt with worms in it!” 

“No, no. If I was going to draw a worm I’d draw it like this,” Thorin started drawing out his interpretation of a worm.

“Now that looks like macaroni,” Bilbo grinned cheekily at his husband. Thorin gave an exasperated sigh. “Good to know for future reference.” Bilbo leaned over and kissed Thorin’s cheek. “Nice try, at least.”

“I think it’s time for a movie.” Thorin put the pencil down and rubbed a hand over his face.

“Game night isn't very fun with Uncle Bilbo and Uncle Thorin,” Pippin complained. “We never get to finish any games!” 


End file.
